for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
