It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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