so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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