you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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