You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
