I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
