Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
