Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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