i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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