Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
