Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
