I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
