Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is classic penis vs brain.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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