life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize