my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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