Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
