You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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