My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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