my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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