i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
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I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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