I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
