I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
