i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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