He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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