some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
