I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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