a queef is a wish your heart makes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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