Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
