The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize