Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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