I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
