I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's always time for handjobs
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
