Whod you bang
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
