I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
