I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
