I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
