If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
