my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
