alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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