no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams