I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.