I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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