Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
