I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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