Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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