Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
