I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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