i was born a porn star she said
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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