You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
