Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
