I am puke
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
