god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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