the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
